the new me

I used to be so put together.

I was that Type A girl who always talked about working hard and walked around with my color-coded agenda filled with motivational quotes and post its and my to-do list notebook. Yes sir- I had a notebook JUST for to-do lists.

I woke up early every single day, got coffee, avoided all traffic, did some talking to God on those morning drives to school, and would get to the library two hours before class even started to plan and set my goals for the day.

I was involved. I was motivated. I was inspired.

But once Senior year came around, everything changed. I found myself stressed all the time and not doing anything about it. I became lazy, unmotivated, and careless. Long gone was the girl who got to school hours before class and a psychopath who woke up with just enough time to brush her teeth and SPRINT out the front door emerged.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know the infamous “senioritis” had a lot to do with it. But now that senior year is over and I’m about to start my first year of college, I can’t point my finger at senioritis for all that’s wrong in my life.

I think we all reach a point in our lives when things get comfy and cozy and warm and we like to stay there because it’s safe and I mean why would you want to get rid of that? Right?

But it’s like when you take a nap or sit down, your body stays in one position for too long and you find your arms and your legs starting to fall asleep and freeze up. In order to get things to wake up and act right again, you have to shake and move your body around and get yourself out of the position you were in. I like to feel as if this is the exact same thing that happens to our minds.

When we stay in the cozy, when we stop pushing ourselves and taking risks our inner badass begins to freeze up and we so easily forget who we are and what we believe in.

Two years ago, I was a girl who knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I always wished that I could just skip a few years because I wanted to grow up and just begin life already! I had everything figured out to the “t”. Finish undergrad. Go to law school up North. Meet the most perfect 6’5″ hot hunk man of my dreams. Get married at 26, have healthy and beautiful kids by 28, be a badass and live a wonderful life!

However lately, I’ve been in this ugly slump. In part due to the senioritis but also because the trials and tribulations life loves to gift us with. I’ve been lazy and stagnant. I’ve lost my passion and no longer felt inspired. I constantly told myself and others that I was stupid and not good enough. I found myself succumbing to my insecurities and being sad all the time because I felt like the perfect plan I had for my life was no longer one that was attainable. I froze up. But more heartbreaking than that, I gave up.

A lesson that I have learned is that life is not and cannot be a picture-perfect fit inside-the-lines type of plan. Man, life sucks sometimes. Things don’t go the way you want them to and that’s just the way it is.  C’est la vie.

But regardless of how low your lows are, what you absolutely do not get to do is give up. To be better and do better is a decision that you have the ability to make. You don’t get to keep making excuses. You have to get up and keep going. Not for anyone else, but purely, solely, and unapologetically for you.

TV’s most beloved surgeon, Dr. Meredith Grey, says it best ” So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best that you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out. And decide.”

As the next chapter of my life begins, I don’t know what the future will hold. But the one thing I know for sure is this—  I will keep on keeping on. I will push forward.

I am a badass and I didn’t come this far to only come this far.

to the sun and back,

aswathi 🙂

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